A Very Tina Tuesday

Tuesday have been set aside to be my day off, so a Tuesday in the week of me sometimes is really interesting, but others consist of me eating an entire package of the cheapest biscuits (which are chocolate chip cookies in my case) sold at Tesco (Kroger equivalent) watching old Friends episodes and not changing out of my pajamas until just before Zoe gets home (that way I don’t look like a complete bum).   At orientation they had an entire day dedicated to talking about self-care. Encouraging us to take time to do what we need to for ourselves.  It’s so true that in the YAV year it can be easy to not take any time for yourself.  At the beginning of the year and still very often now, I offer my day off as an option to fit in some extra work or catch up on some I’ve fallen behind on.  I hear myself offer it as a day I can fill with meetings and tasks but really it’s a day I enjoy to be filled with nothing.  Tuesdays allow me to relax, not have anyone expecting me anywhere, a day to just be.  Lately I’ve been using them to read some books and dive into a different world.   In the future I would like to use them to attempt a longer run as I begin training to do some more endurance running.  Tune in tomorrow for my jam packed busy Wednesday =)

Not so Manic Monday

Monday’s are YAV meeting days.  It’s the one morning a week we all have set aside to come together and meet as a group with Doug.  It’s the way we check in with each other and with him.  A large part of this year is about living in community.  But our community is different then I imagined it being for many reasons.  The biggest is we are split around the city.  4 of the YAVs, Ellison, Erin, Liz, and Patrick all live on the other side of town, 2, others Karl and Kendra, live in a flat down the road, and Zoe and I together.  So we often have to go out of our way to really put ourselves into the community outside of our houses.   Living in community has been a completely different experience then any other I’ve had in life.  Its not merely living with others, it’s living INTENTIONALLY with others.   This involves more effort and patience then typical living arrangements.  We are the support system for each other in this new, far away land.  Sometimes its difficult to be as patient as needed with each other, but its all a learning process.  I will definitely miss the intentional community aspect when I go home.  Its indescribably pleasant to have people surrounding you who are going on a journey mirroring your own and who truly understand you, what you are experiencing, where you are coming from, and where you are going.  It’s nice to be learning and changing together.    Monday morning meetings are a time for us to share our experiences and tie those into the bigger picture.  Monday mornings remind us of the bigger picture we are working in and for.   Monday evenings are also a night where 3 of us always ensure we eat together.  Kendra, Zoe, and I cook and eat dinner together on Monday nights.  One way we are intentional and get time together.

Monday evenings after dinner, I am in charge of an adult Bible Study at Fortwilliam.  At first this was highly challenge. I’ve never actually led an adult bible study.  It did not take me long to learn an adult Bible Study is drastically different then a preteen to teen Bible Study. Go figure? At the start my crowd was very scattered and inconsistent.  It was quite difficult making plans not knowing if there would be 3 people or 8 people.  Currently we are attending a course called the Alpha Course offered by the Catholic Church who is in a partnership with Fortwilliam.  It’s only the second week in the course and I haven’t completely formed my opinion on it yet.  But I must say it’s very nice to have a consistently large crowd, its something I could get used to.

Earlier in the year but not since the New Year, Monday afternoons were reserved for a training meeting with 3 members of the Fortwilliam youth team (a name I kinda just made up) to discuss, understand, foster, and grow the restorative discipline in our Saturday night youth club.  We have stopped doing them because we all have so many other meetings and such to go to, but I must confess I miss them.  If the others are reading this, they will probably think I’m crazy.  But they allowed time to flesh out aspects of club that otherwise would not have been addressed so quickly or thoroughly.   I miss the deep analysis of what we were doing in club, or rather discussing it with others.  I still continue the deep analysis on my own, but that only takes you so far.  We discuss it in other meetings, but not with the same focus.  Although, I must admit, I do enjoy the easygoing Monday afternoon I have now.  No longer rushing for the bus to make it to the meeting but arriving late anyway. I can now spend a little extra time in City Centre, finishing some errands or spending some extra time with my fellow YAVs.

So that’s in a nutshell a Monday in my shoes.  Super glamorous right? Tune in tomorrow for Tina Tuesday!

The Worst of the Best

When you do the same thing for too long, no matter how much you enjoy it, it’s easy to find yourself in a rut: in a job, in a relationship, in life.  I feel my wheels starting to spin.  I have far more difficulty overcoming the frustration of a canceled print job spitting out 60 pages two days later, hiding the embarrassment of forgetting a hymn on the screens on a Sunday morning, or seeing the bigger picture of mindless tasks.  I have gotten too comfortable in my place here in Belfast.  I am no longer striving for the same level of excellence I did when I first got here.  Starting off so strong was impossible to sustain forever.  So its time for a change, its time to challenge myself again, less going with the flow and more action on my part.  I have 6 months left to make a difference in the organizations I am involved in, to leave my fingerprint.

 At YAV orientation all the former YAVs talked about wanting to be the best YAV ever going into their YAV year and how that often blew up in their face.  They put too much pressure on themselves.  I did not have that mindset at orientation, I did want to make the most of my YAV year but I was not so foolish as to think I would ever come close to being the best YAV ever.  It wasn’t until I got here that I DID become that foolish and decided I WAS going to be the best YAV ever.  It’s not until now, half way through, I realize being the best YAV is absolutely not what is important.  My fingerprint is not to be the best ever, just the best I can be.  My fingerprint should be like the scouts motto for camping, “Leave the campsite better then when you found it,” mixed with the army motto “Be all you can be.”   I came into the year subconsciously with that mindset.  I became a YAV to do something worthwhile and useful to make a change in the world.  Time to stop spinning my wheels, find some traction, and move. 

The vow to do more the rest of my year and keep going with a strong drive is not the only vow I wish to make in this post.  I have talked to multiple individuals this week about my blog and have been inspired to do a blog series.  I realize I was terrible at blogging in the beginning of the year and as a result what I actually do day to day is not completely clear and most of my blogs are quite vague. To make up for this blog failure next week I plan to blog daily beginning on Sunday describing my typical week, different individuals I work with who have affected me, throwing in some amusing and touching anecdotes I have meant to share.  So tune in again soon for a week in the life of Christina, Crystal, the Yank Tammen’s life. 

A little bit stronger

Healing implies a state of vulnerability.  Saying you are healing is admitting that something wounded you enough to bring you down.  So when is healing over? Is it over when things are back to normal? Or does the scar left by the harm mean the healing is never complete?  A constant battle with scar tissue, constant vulnerability.

Macrory Hall is finished and ready for use again.  We’ve worked through and our building is healed.  Now that we are moving forward with our projects in our natural home, I wonder exactly how much damage has been done.  It surely runs deeper then paint and tiles?  

Our youth club uses a strong restorative discipline and we have been working diligently at this discipline.  We have observed, discussed, and analyzed the current situation in club and gradually made changes to make club a better.  So much progress has been made. The difference can even be seen from one week to the next.

Yet, as I reflect how far club has come in the last few months, I can’t help but remember my first night at Macrory, before the break-in and vandalism.  The kids’ behavior couldn’t be described with any adjective comparable to good.  Much of the behavior could likely be accredited to their belief that they had the right to behave that way in their club, in their hall.  Most nights now I see them as completely different kids. So is all of this progress going to hold strong as we move back to our own hall? Or are we more damaged then we thought? Is our journey of healing longer then we thought? I guess only Saturday will tell.

The thing about wounds is most take a long time to heal, longer then we think.   Sometimes I forget that you can’t rush the process; it’s ok to be in the healing process.  Healing implies progress and it can’t be rushed.  So, here’s to healing, in the things in my own life I can’t control or change, healing in the lives of others as they struggle through the past and their current situations, and healing in the organizations I work with and have grown to love deeply as I watch different forces try to knock them around.  Care, love, and attention will see us all through.  Cheers

Its not as simple as looking in Webster.

Themes and concepts aren’t necessarily just things to study in books, plays, and art they are in fact a blatant presence in life.  Therefore it is really no surprise I find myself exploring and debating a theme that is of course a major part of my year and in life in general, Christian.  Not Christianity but the word Christian.  My name being a slight variation of this words I find myself angry with what it has become, what the MEANING has become.  Throughout the year I have heard many people discuss the meaning of “being a Christian” in many different ways.  Some laugh and joke about the extrinsic stereotypes of what they wear or the music they listen too.  But what the stereotype of “Christian” has become is in fact not a laughing matter, at least if based on how the world outside of Christianity views the self-identifying word the word is in trouble. 

In the states I could easily tell you the connotations that accompany someone identifying as a Christian and at first I thought they were different here in Belfast, but they are not.  If you tell someone outside of Christianity you are a Christian the automatic reaction is nearly always the same, distrust.  The pride I feel in my beliefs and my journey of faith is great but the pride I feel when I answer yes I am a Christian is absolutely lacking.   Recently, that dreaded question has plagued me more then before, likely because I am being asked more then ever before, yet if someone asks the question in a different way without the word Christian, I answer with ease and pleasure.  So what’s the meaning and connotations of the word Christian that are holding me back?

Sometimes those who also define themselves as Christian ask me innocently, but even then the connotations are ominous.  Am I in their club? Am I on their side of the line? As though admitting this word is all that matters and all it takes.  Generally no real questions or inquiries follow.  No real show of faith is required to satisfy these askers.  It’s a hollow question.  At youth club on the other hand it is a completely different story.  Its asked of the leaders nearly every week and now after a few months of being asked, I’ve tired of saying yes and instead have started asking questions back such as “Are you?” or even “What do you mean by Christian?” Usually the kids cannot or do not answer the second question.  This has led me to believe they are not asking me because they actually care about what I believe.  They ask in distrust.  They ask because they associate Christianity with force or with superiority.   People who self proclaim themselves loudly and boisterously as Christians usually are the ones who have given “Christian” it’s meaning; the loudest are the definers.  Sadly, the loudest are the ones condemning people to a fiery torment, and acting as though they have superior knowledge of the world and life because of their love of Jesus Christ, neither of these fostering any traces of respect or curiosity.  Neither of these furthering a cause anyone titled a Christian would want.

This concept and source of negative meaning is not a new discovery to me.  I realized long ago the meaning of our identifier is in trouble.  It is in trouble because those who want to share God’s love do not use the same lessons we were taught in kindergarten about sharing (and frankly that are taught in the scriptures).  Most attempt to force the belief on others rather then taking the time to really SHOW them God’s love and to listen rather then just teach.  We are not the superior beings.  What we believe is faith based so there is no reason to teach anything as fact or act as though we are wiser then others.  Solid truth is not the way most actually find happiness and peace in Christianity.  Its through exploration and faith.   

The weekend I heard Peter Rollins speak about Christianity (this is not exactly anything he said just a twist of one aspect on my own internal debate),  and he helped me put into words what I’ve been thinking for a long time, the real appeal to Christianity is not finding answers and a solid truth but instead the journey.  As humans we always want something more, most of the fun is in the chase not in the actual attainment of our wants.  When people look to religion what they really think they want are answers.  But if we have a solid answer is that really going to be happiness? Are we really going to be content to no longer question and doubt? I would say the answer is no.  We will always find someway to question and doubt so why not use this knowledge? The things we do not know for sure often do more for us then the things we actually know.  The joy of Christianity is faith.  It’s the hardest part but the most satisfying in the end.  Its human nature: once you have what you want you move on to want something else.  Christianity can offer an endless supply of more. It offers places to doubt, allowing places to expand, always presenting something more to want. 

The word Christian needs this spirit back.  When asked, “Are you a Christian?” I don’t want to feel as though I’m being asked if I’m a bully, a follower or part of the club but instead, an explorer.  I want the word to show the entire struggle I’ve been through.  Christina Tammen are you a Christian? Yes. I am a Christian. I have struggled and wrestled with God.  I have questioned.  I have searched for truth and have failed.  I have not found fact but faith.   I have taken the leap to believe in something more.  I am a Christian, no better and no worse then you.

The day the lock turned with no resistance

Today I left the house and the lock turned and didn't stick at all when I locked it.  That has NEVER happened to me; not once anytime I've ever locked the door these 3 months.  And earlier this week I locked the door without thinking and was halfway down the street before I realized I had done it.  I actually walked back to make sure I really had locked the door.  Why is she babbling about locking doors you might ask? Well if you remember one of my first blogs when I got here you'll remember the picture from my very first night in Belfast when I couldn't lock the door.

Its the small things that have stuck out to me the most while here.  Often some of the smallest things have been the most difficult, like locking a door.  Many of these small things I can now do without resistance and without thinking.  Its also in the small things that I tend to find the most joy.  The small joys that make me able to get through the really hard stuff.  Things like hearing that the kids from youth club asked about me by name when I wasn't there (granted they use the name Crystal which has been made up for me, but a name I have begun responding to nonetheless.  It shows they really know me and have some surprise when I'm not around), knowing that we have truly become a community when someone lends a hand to pick me up out of the mud and laughs at the end of the game and says the mud is because I rocked out some touch football and not because I fell on my butt, knowing I'm doing a good job because I am assigned a new responsibility which that person had no intention of giving to me but decided to because she trusts me to do it, or merely seeing someone randomly around town in a place I never expected to see them.  The small things are what really show me that I'm doing something right, that I fit in, that I am in the place I am meant to be.  The key is really starting to turn without thought or resistance; I'm finding my routine, my place.

Fail Blog

So my site supervisor Doug informed me I am the worst YAV at updating my blog. No surprise there.  I also fail at using and updating my twitter account.  At least I’m consistently not updating things in my life and at least when I update I REALLY update.  I suggest breaking this one up for reading. Since I’m so terrible at updating you might as well break it up and make it last right? I’ll make it easier for you and divide it into sections.  If I go this long again I truly deserve to be beaten with a club or flogged in the streets.

Macrory and Youth Club

Some individuals recently broke into Macrory hall where we have youth club and stole the piping from the bathrooms.  As a result the hall flooded and since the floors are old and wooden, they swelled and broke.  So the hall has been out of commission for a few weeks.  Youth club already had a lot of challenges facing it before the vandalism, one might think it would bring down morale and slow us down, but it didn’t, not at all.  Immediately after the incident, the minister of Fortwilliam wrote an article which I will paste below.  It explains things better then I could. After we received some donations to help and have been continuing club each Saturday night at a community centre in the neighborhood and things have been going really well.  The Macrory facility is currently being renovated and we should be back in either just before Christmas or right after.  I’ve been learning a lot about the area of Tiger’s Bay (where youth club takes place) and find myself fascinated by the various dynamics which exist in the area.  I am currently in the process of exploring them deeper and will likely write an entire blog on it soon once I learn more.  Buuuuut, the article, which I’m happy to say has brought in some donations to help out.

Things Ainʼt What They Used To Be! A story of hope in the face of burglary and destruction?

I minister in a congregation in North Belfast which has premises on Duncairn Gardens which straddle the so-called ʻpeace-lineʼ between New Lodge and Tigers Bay. Times have been tough - there is no doubt about that. I buried a member of my congregation just a few weeks ago who grew up in Hillmann Street out ʻthe backʼ of the church. That street used to be full of members of what then was Macrory Memorial Congregation but no more. Our Troubles saw to that. But there were fond memories of those days and of course her story and the story of those who ʻhadʼ to move can be mirrored across the board. Itʼs just to say - times have been tough and things ainʼt what they used to be.

!            In fact, things have changed so much for Presbyterians in North Belfast that the congregation of Macrory Memorial amalgamated with Fortwilliam Park on the Antrim Road in 2005. Fortwilliam Park hadnʼt been without its trials. I have ministered there for fourteen years and have seen the congregation struggle against break-ins, disinterest, fear, wet and dry rot, alienation, the lot. But now we are together we are a warm and vibrant fellowship of people who have tried to put ourselves into community life in a way which respects those around us and invites them to respect us. We donʼt have much in the way of resources but we try to share what we have and what we have is two sets of buildings - one at Fortwilliam Park and one at Duncairn Gardens that we call Macrory. We sold the church and kept the halls on the Gardens and there we have been developing a Bricks to Bridges Project which has been full of hope. We had to sell the church because we couldnʼt afford to keep it and now it is being let for prices that we canʼt afford. !            The Bricks to Bridges Project focuses on restorative practice and we have been training our leaders to lead out of that ethos, to commit the practice, to apprentice young people in that practice and to use restorative conferencing as an effective tool when things go wrong, as they often do. It is necessarily slow work and we have been greatly encouraged by the response from young people, parents, leaders and other agencies. It has always been our intention to develop the premises at Macrory into a centre for reconciliation. It couldnʼt be in a better location. We have been looking to reorientate the entrance of the building so that it is equally accessible to people from New Lodge and Tigers Bay. We already share those premises with New Lodge Arts and have been lookingto bring on line a bike workshop for at risk young people. It would have been the beginning of our contribution to a wider forum of provision for young people identified through youth justice systems and effective detached youth work. And we would use that time with the young people to begin the restorative training. Part of the commitment was to equal numbers of young people from Tigers Bay and New Lodge. Things have been progressing so well that we had begun to lay down plans for a cross-community football club for primary school children. We had planned a programme up until Christmas which would give the young people separately time to get to know the leaders and the restorative practice and then in the New Year we could bring the young people together into a safe and mutually understood environment. We had planned all of this.

!            I say we ʻhadʼ planned because this week thieves broke into the premises. They stole the copper piping probably worth £20-£30 and they left us with damage somewhere in the region of 60K. Both halls are damaged by the water running from the laid bare pipes and there is other damage too. We have just finished fixing up one hall, our smaller hall, after water damage from a burst pipe during last years freezing temperatures. The floor for that hall cost £10 000 and will have to be done again and we add to that now the floor of the large hall. Yes we will have the assessors out and yes the insurance will pay their part but what are we to do in the meantime? Let the young people roam? Send disenchanted leaders home? Put everything on hold? Wait another year, because thatʼs how long these things take when you have to wait for insurance and builders? We dare not! !            We dare not because the social need only gets worse, the sense of alienation and disenfranchisement continues to increase, economic hardship hardens other views too and there is only danger ahead if we do not persistent in addressing the harm that has been done to communities where there is little hope, little self-respect and little respect for others. We must keep on. But of course it isnʼt that easy. Where else can young people meet so easily across that interface? There are some opportunities but trust has to be won for the place as well as the people and we had reached that stage, to some degree at least. !            So things ainʼt what they used to be. I wouldnʼt want anyone reading this to think that because we are a church I expect us to be treated well. I firmly believe churches have to earn respect these days and itʼs hard work that must be done. But it is so much more difficult when we have to deal with thieves who break in, destroy and tare down. The truth is that they shouldnʼt be blamed. There is no point in that. But they have caused damage. A sorry would help or an explanation. But then we know why, at least in part. We know that there is a sense of not enough to go around and so communities sink to taking what they

can get, never mind the cost to others. What we intended was to address that sinking feeling which leads to despair, hopelessness and ultimate damage to self and others. !            We need to move this on. We need our premises sorted out quickly. We need help and we need to not just put things back the way they are but to get this centre for reconciliation going. If you or anyone you know can help us - give me a call. Our resources wonʼt match this problem.

Rev. Dr. Lesley Carroll Minister of Fortwilliam & Macrory Presbyterian Church.

WAVE

The men’s group has been working on painting.  Some of the men have really gotten into it and shown a talent for it whereas others are not as interested and mostly watch everyone else paint.  Very good conversations and craic always surrounds the painting and I find myself getting to know the men in the group a lot better. This means I get teased more often but I think the group is pleasantly surprised that I can not only accept the teasing but also dish it back myself.   I’ve also learned a lot about the men’s personalities and the group dynamic.  There are a lot of very strong personalities and I’ve learned the places where these personalities compliment each other and get along and the places where they clash. I’ve also learned about the men’s’ individual stories and the reasons why they are drawn to WAVE.  These stories have shown me a glimpse of Northern Ireland I never would have seen otherwise.  The group dynamic is even more impressive knowing these stories because the men are from both sides of the conflict of the Troubles.  There are examples of both sides being equally impacted showing that blame can’t really be focused to one group.  I find myself in awe of the group and shocked by how few moments of tension I feel at WAVE especially knowing the trauma these men have experienced.  They seem to rise above the tendency to blame the other group and rise above the Northern Irish way of saying a larger vaguer group often referred to as “they” are the problem, meaning anyone not a member of my group is the problem. I truly am appreciating the need for cross community work and seeing the benefits of that in much of my work, especially at WAVE.

            Similar dynamics exist in the women’s group, but it takes more observation and the same conclusions are manifested through different interactions.  The women’s group is currently working on bog oak projects.  They are being guided to carve their own sculptures out of the bog oak.  Bog oak consists of various kinds of wood that are anywhere from 5,000 to over 10,000 years old but perfectly preserved from time in the bog.  Oddly enough most of the women are carving their wood into the shapes of women, myself included.  I am getting a lot more involved in the planning for future activities for the women’s group.  Currently we are looking into programming for a residential (term for a retreat).  Its been really encouraging to be trusted enough and relied on to contribute to group programming.  We’ll see how I do.

Newington

Working with the Elderly at the Newington Day Centre is becoming one of my favorite parts of my week.  I don’t know how much I actually help in a manner of speaking.  I pass out tea and toast in the morning, pass out lunches, and clean up after lunch.  However, I would say I spend more time stopping to chat with the elderly ladies than doing tasks described to me in the beginning.  Yet, it doesn’t seem to be a problem in the least.  In fact, I asked once if it was bad or a problem that I spent more time sitting down and talking to the people then helping serve or do other tasks and was told that was all Newington Centre used to do and that it was great I enjoyed doing that.  The women there have so much personality, and they seem to really enjoy me.  They keep encouraging me to “find a nice wee young lad” so I can stay here in Ireland with them.  We often have the same conversations, but rather then find it frustrating or difficult I am finding the conversations endearing and love getting to know their various personalities and quirks.  One women jokes every week that she files formal complaints against me in order to get me sacked, then laughs and hugs me.  Its an adorable tradition and I look forward to seeing her and joking with her each week. 

Other Parts of Life

We went on our first YAV retreat to a centre in Ballycastle called Corrymeela.  It was very relaxing and BEAUTIFUL.  The north coast is breathtaking.  We went to the Giants Causeway which is a natural rock formation going into the sea.  The legend is a giant built the pathway in order to go fight this other guy.  The entire trip was a nice break and allowed a lot of time for reflection.  We got to check in with each other and had time to think about how to put more into our time here and where we want to focus ourselves.  It was a lot of hiking. I spent some time trying to friend some sheep, but they really aren’t friendly and run away.  Shame, they’re missing out on a great friend. ;)  Coming up this week we are all getting together again for our own Thanksgiving on Saturday.  I think we might even play a little touch football and everything.  It should be class.  I think that’s a good update for now. But really someone harass me to update sooner if I wait this long. I think I might be the worst YAV of all the sites at updating my blog. Epic fail, at least I’m not failing at work though right?