All you Need is Love

Good Friday: a day about love and sacrifice.  God so loved the world he gave his only son Jesus Christ, Jesus so loved us he gave us his life.  Tonight I took my parents (who just got into Belfast today) to the Good Friday service at Fortwilliam.  The service was a mixture of scripture, all from Mark, call and response prayer to the scripture, and singing.  It’s a rare for a service that truly hits me but this one did (just what a minister wants to hear right Lesley?) probably more then anyone else sitting in that half circle although I truly hope those of you reading this who were there got as much out of it as I did. 

I was really surprised to walk in and see only about 20 people there and further surprised to see chairs around the communion table rather then people being in pews.  Its rare that a service at Fortwilliam would surprise me, mainly because I’m always in charge of putting things together for them, but I’m glad I wasn’t in charge of anything for this service.  I had no idea what to expect.  For once, I had no idea who was reading or what they were reading or where it was all going to go and I didn’t really try to look ahead in the program I was handed.  I sat and listened to Jesus’ sacrifice and unending love for me, and for all the people around me, all the people around me who I have truly grown to love.  I knew every single person in the circle all quite well.  They were some of the people I have gotten to know best in my time at Fortwilliam and sharing such an important day with them and with my family was indescribable for me. 

 I shared it with a mentor who has helped me grow and challenged me in ways she’ll never know, with a coworker who appreciates and shares in all of my small and large victories, a roommate who has become more like a sister then a friend, with women who always worry about me, care about me and pry into my life in ways only family would do, with a captain who is impossible not to love, respect, and enjoy but who also worries about you too much to let you walk anywhere alone at night, with friends who mock you relentlessly, introduce you to new things, and support you even when they don’t even realize what they’ve done has made all the difference in your day and your life, and with many more.   In the time of silence after the reading describing Jesus taking his final breaths, I sat and closed my eyes.   I didn’t pray, but I felt it.  I had one of those moments when you feel that your part of something bigger.  Love.  The love of God, of Jesus, of the people around me, and my love for all of them.

 Good Friday is about Jesus’ sacrifice and I appreciate it more today then I think I have ever before, but really its about how much Jesus loved us, how he wanted us to love in the same way.  Tonight I got that, really got it. Tonight I felt the love of God through the people in that circle.  Tonight I am humbled before my God and his sacrifices and his gift to me. Tonight and for many nights to come, I am grateful. 

A shock to my flat lining

            When we started the YAV year, they gave us a culture shock diagram.  It started with a heavy incline of loving the YAV year, a honeymoon period, then a skydive drop.  After the drop, there was an increase then a stagnant time.  My drop was brief and had very little to do with my actual YAV year.  Overall, I stayed on top for a really long time and would say my stagnant time has been quite high on the chart, but there has been a distinct stagnant time, especially in the new year.   Within my work I am in a plateau, despite a large effort on my part to move out of it, most days I find myself going through the motions.

            Recently in the Saturday night Macrory Youth Club, I have become the leader in charge of the kitchen and organizing the kitchen activity.  I have gone from every now and then helping with the arts and crafts but mostly working in the sitting area doing games or casual conversation with the young people to the most stressful area of youth club.  Not only is it usually the most stressful because there can only be 6 young people in the kitchen at once and everyone wants to be in, I have never been in the kitchen before and I was assigned at a time when a lot of changes were being made to how it was run.  More structure has been added to the kitchen activity, which is completely necessary, but the young people absolutely HATE the changes.  Each week for the passed month I have spent each night in what seems like a constant battle.  Trying to encourage basic good behaviours and getting nothing but resistance and cheekiness.  The kids have done everything from constantly storming the kitchen and refusing to leave to making signs that say we hate the rules and want less leaders.  Really mature things. The most common response however is just really terrible behaviour, doing things they know are unacceptable just to push me, test me, and see how far they can push me.  I have had to let a lot of things slide, but if I think something is important I stick to it.  Manners is one I never really back down from. I always make them use proper manners.  Another is if I ask them nicely and politely to do something like wash their dish, stop dumping flour on their dough, stop pushing each other, stop yelling in the small space, or other like things, I expect them to do it. 

            The big change all around club that has really come into play with the kitchen and my club morals is the new 2 strikes and you’re out policy we just started.  Under the new policy leaders can issue warnings for completely unacceptable behaviour as a last resort.  My second or third night in the kitchen I had to issue warnings to two of the young people because they refused to leave the kitchen after I asked at least 15 plus times for them to do so.  Later in the night one of the boys was in the kitchen with me and his behaviour was the typical pushing the limits.  He began throwing dough. I again asked numerous times that he not throw the dough.  The third time I literally saw dough leave his hand (I saw it flying through the air a few times before that) I felt as though I had to issue a second warning which meant he had to leave club.  He left club without too much of a fuss, but the rest of the night the bad behaviour got to me more then ever.  When the debrief with the rest of the leaders came around, everyone talked about their nights and what they thought was good and bad. The whole time I just stared at the floor. When it became my turn to speak, I began explaining the situation which led to the boy’s removal and by the end of it I couldn’t hide the tears that started coming down my face.  I am a crier, I always have been.  When I get mad or frustrated tears usually fall.  This was not the first time I’ve cried about something since being here, far from it.  But this was the first time I shared it with those I work with and actually cried in front of anyone else.  I explained how much trouble I was having with the kitchen activity and how I hated that the only relationship I was getting to have with the young people was disciplining them. 

            After club, people thanked me for being so honest and open. I tried to just laugh it off as me being a big baby but I don’t think anyone was convinced or even thought I was a baby.  My cards were out on the table.  A few leaders went out of their way to make sure I was ok.  Texting me and offering me encouraging words on top of the hugs and tissues offered at the debrief.   One in particular not only sent me a text after I went home but also the next morning an encouraging and inspiring scripture.  He knew the next morning was the morning I was scheduled to preach my first sermon ever.  I had been agonizing over it for over a week writing about 3 different versions and terrified to do it.  This night at club didn’t make me feel any more capable or confident to preach a full sermon.  I literally didn’t sleep at all that night.  I couldn’t stop thinking about club and how terrible I felt about having to remove a young person from club nor could I stop rewriting and thinking through my sermon.  The night had shaken me and emotionally drained me.  The next morning is the earliest I have ever been to Fortwilliam.  My sermon isn’t what I am writing about so I won’t give details about it (I’ll post some later this week) but the point is, it went well.  After I felt as though I finally had a victory.  I had truly succeeded at something big for the first time in weeks.  I may not be able to win in the kitchen but I did something great.

            Tonight I had another one of those experiences winning experiences.  It was a band parade night in Tiger’s Bay so attendance at club was low.  Another American woman who married into Belfast and comes to help at club once a month and has helped us with behaviour mangement training was helping me in the kitchen. I went into club already feeling a large sense of relief that she was going to be there, knowing that she would take some of the wrath tonight and be able to deal with the behaviour well taking some heat off me.  It also didn’t hurt that she was more leading the activity then me because we were making American pancakes and I am not the best at making them.  Lately we’ve had about 24 kids at club each night.  Tonight we had 7.  This meant everyone got to cook and that we could keep the groups small.  The normal two groups of 6, became a group of 3 and a group of 4.

             While the kids cooked I actually got to talk to them and have real conversations with them for the first time since I started the kitchen activity.  They still did things that required me to ask them to stop or change behaviour, but I never had to ask more then once.  THAT NEVER HAPPENS. EVER! That alone would have been amazing and a great victory to my night.  But they went out of their way to share the pancakes with the leaders each kid making one of the leaders a pancake and hand delivering it with syrup and all the works.  Normally they never want to share any of what they make but tonight they kept a tally to make sure each leader got one.  Sometime in the night I started talking to the young people about next Saturday when there is a special celebration event for our halls being open again and asking if they would be there.  I told them they should come because my parents will be in town and since we won’t be having club that night I would really like for my parents to meet all of them.  From this they decided that my parents arrival meant my parents were coming to take me home.  They started saying things like, “Crystal I don’t want you to leave. Can’t you stay?” “We like working with you in the kitchen and having you around.” and “We’ll miss you when you’re gone.” I was floored.  Every week I hear them say, “We liked it better when you didn’t do the kitchen activity” or “Wow you’re mean” or “Why are you talking to me?”

            Nights like tonight make me realize that even when I am straight lining through my year, my daily activities matter.  These activities DO make a difference. I am right where I am supposed to be doing what I am meant to be doing.  This night will keep me going for many Saturday nights to come when the dough is flying, the kitchen doors are slamming, and no one is listening to me.  They make me realize I am more then the bad guy and the discipliner in their eyes.  They want me, and even if they never show it, they appreciate me and all the other leaders and all that we do for them.  My kids and club have a fairly rough reputation of cheekiness and misbehavior.  As the Northern Irish say, a lot of times they just do my head in, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world and tonight they showed the world why.  They are a bit rough around the edges, but they are wonderful and appreciative.  Tonight, thanks to the kids of Tiger’s Bay, my straight line has been interrupted by a large spike up.  I love my job. 

Can't go on...

So I am a bit blogged out. I know I said everyday but come on, who even wants to read it everyday? Thursday is still coming to a blog near you, as in this one, but it will not be happening today.  It will be even better because it will be a surprise soon.  Next blog to look forward to will be a  Thorough Thursday Description of Women's group at WAVE and Boys Brigade. Get excited and try not to cry to hard over my failed blog promise.  This girl is getting some well deserved sleep with maybe a wee lie in for the morning. Delayed start to Friday might be kinda nice. Have a stupendous weekend all!

Wonderfully, Welcoming Wednesdays

I love Wednesdays.  They begin at the Newington Day Centre.  I spend the morning serving the elderly tea and toast as they filter in.  Taxis bring them and come in waves so there are large stretches of down time. I love it.  The down time yields opportunity to get to know the different women who come to the centre.  There are men who come to the centre as well but I don’t interact with them nearly as much; I am kind of unofficially designated to the women’s room.  Only one man ever really ventures in to sit and talk.  He is a one of a kind, outgoing, brave soul.   Each morning I make my way around the room with my cup of tea in hand trying to make sure I talk to everyone.  Inevitably though, I have developed some favorites I talk to more then others and the more outgoing ones who stop me from going by get more of my attention. I have my little routine with all of them.  One I joke with about her need to always get “fresh air” before lunch which is actually her wee smoke break, another always jokes about filing complaints and getting me sacked but always laughs and smiles after.   They all ask me when I’m going home, if they can keep me, and marry me off to their nephews and grandsons.  They are all in different stages of age, some suffering from extreme dementia, others quite physically handicapped and others still who are still very physically capable and are mentally all there.  They love that I am from KY and one woman prides herself in her clever nickname for me to call me her “Wee Kentucky Fried Chicken”.  She’s scared my parents will be offended by the nickname when they come to visit.   Once everyone has arrived we bring them all into the kitchen/dining area and serve them lunch.  It didn’t take me long to learn the special ways each of them like their food and they love that I remember the quirks like smaller portions or no milk in their tea but instead just a wee drop of cold water.   After serving lunch, dessert, and tea I help take the members to the given activity for the afternoon.  The activity varies from art to music to film.  Each day I clean up for lunch and sit down with the other staff and volunteers to eat lunch.  I eat lunch quite quickly and leave before most are done so I can get to WAVE quickly.

I arrive at WAVE as the men are eating and finishing their lunches.  Often I’ll grab a plate for my second lunch and my 4^th-5^th cup of tea that day.  The men’s group sits and banters with each other all through lunch.   Recently I’ve grown to realize they have begun slegging me more often (northern Irish slang for being the butt of the joke).   I like to take this to mean they like me and are comfortable with me.   One of the men brings me a bag of “treats” each week.  This bag usually consists of cheese and onion crisps, chocolates, and sometimes instant coffee.  Our cabinet is full of these because he brings more then Zoe and I can ever eat.   I’ve tried to decline this bag a few times but am never successful.  In the beginning, I didn’t know what was going on because his accent is so thick I couldn’t understand a single word he said.  Now I realize he’s just too stubborn to not bring me the bag and too nice to ever forget.  I will inevitably never be able to reject the bag and will be swimming in cheese and onion crisps by the end of the year. 

About half an hour after I arrive the men’s group activity begins.  This ranges from a group discussion activity to a few weeks of them learning how to paint.  They really got into the painting and of course made competitions of who’s painting of a beachy/water scene was best.  Currently the new project is working to make a large group piece of stained glass and smaller individual glass mosaic projects.  I make the tea in the middle of the group for my 7^th-8^th cup of tea in the day for break in the middle.  Granted most of them have already walked in and out about 3 times in order to go out and smoke.  Most people at WAVE smoke so activity revolves around the smoke breaks.  I often go and stand with them while they smoke (up wind) because it’s a nice time to talk to them and get to know them. 

Like Newington, the men’s group have found a very fond place in my heart.  Wednesdays are days when I really feel I am in groups that have embraced me, love me, and where I belong.  The people on Wednesday look out for me, make sure I’m doing ok, and appreciate me being there for them.  They trust me and have shown me things about Northern Ireland I feel I never would have understood or been able to comprehend before.  Wednesdays are a lot of what being a YAV is all about, especially since soon Fortwilliam’s youth fellowship might be added to the day. Hopefully with no more tea because drinking more then 10 cups in one day is a bit extreme, don’t you think? 

A Very Tina Tuesday

Tuesday have been set aside to be my day off, so a Tuesday in the week of me sometimes is really interesting, but others consist of me eating an entire package of the cheapest biscuits (which are chocolate chip cookies in my case) sold at Tesco (Kroger equivalent) watching old Friends episodes and not changing out of my pajamas until just before Zoe gets home (that way I don’t look like a complete bum).   At orientation they had an entire day dedicated to talking about self-care. Encouraging us to take time to do what we need to for ourselves.  It’s so true that in the YAV year it can be easy to not take any time for yourself.  At the beginning of the year and still very often now, I offer my day off as an option to fit in some extra work or catch up on some I’ve fallen behind on.  I hear myself offer it as a day I can fill with meetings and tasks but really it’s a day I enjoy to be filled with nothing.  Tuesdays allow me to relax, not have anyone expecting me anywhere, a day to just be.  Lately I’ve been using them to read some books and dive into a different world.   In the future I would like to use them to attempt a longer run as I begin training to do some more endurance running.  Tune in tomorrow for my jam packed busy Wednesday =)

Not so Manic Monday

Monday’s are YAV meeting days.  It’s the one morning a week we all have set aside to come together and meet as a group with Doug.  It’s the way we check in with each other and with him.  A large part of this year is about living in community.  But our community is different then I imagined it being for many reasons.  The biggest is we are split around the city.  4 of the YAVs, Ellison, Erin, Liz, and Patrick all live on the other side of town, 2, others Karl and Kendra, live in a flat down the road, and Zoe and I together.  So we often have to go out of our way to really put ourselves into the community outside of our houses.   Living in community has been a completely different experience then any other I’ve had in life.  Its not merely living with others, it’s living INTENTIONALLY with others.   This involves more effort and patience then typical living arrangements.  We are the support system for each other in this new, far away land.  Sometimes its difficult to be as patient as needed with each other, but its all a learning process.  I will definitely miss the intentional community aspect when I go home.  Its indescribably pleasant to have people surrounding you who are going on a journey mirroring your own and who truly understand you, what you are experiencing, where you are coming from, and where you are going.  It’s nice to be learning and changing together.    Monday morning meetings are a time for us to share our experiences and tie those into the bigger picture.  Monday mornings remind us of the bigger picture we are working in and for.   Monday evenings are also a night where 3 of us always ensure we eat together.  Kendra, Zoe, and I cook and eat dinner together on Monday nights.  One way we are intentional and get time together.

Monday evenings after dinner, I am in charge of an adult Bible Study at Fortwilliam.  At first this was highly challenge. I’ve never actually led an adult bible study.  It did not take me long to learn an adult Bible Study is drastically different then a preteen to teen Bible Study. Go figure? At the start my crowd was very scattered and inconsistent.  It was quite difficult making plans not knowing if there would be 3 people or 8 people.  Currently we are attending a course called the Alpha Course offered by the Catholic Church who is in a partnership with Fortwilliam.  It’s only the second week in the course and I haven’t completely formed my opinion on it yet.  But I must say it’s very nice to have a consistently large crowd, its something I could get used to.

Earlier in the year but not since the New Year, Monday afternoons were reserved for a training meeting with 3 members of the Fortwilliam youth team (a name I kinda just made up) to discuss, understand, foster, and grow the restorative discipline in our Saturday night youth club.  We have stopped doing them because we all have so many other meetings and such to go to, but I must confess I miss them.  If the others are reading this, they will probably think I’m crazy.  But they allowed time to flesh out aspects of club that otherwise would not have been addressed so quickly or thoroughly.   I miss the deep analysis of what we were doing in club, or rather discussing it with others.  I still continue the deep analysis on my own, but that only takes you so far.  We discuss it in other meetings, but not with the same focus.  Although, I must admit, I do enjoy the easygoing Monday afternoon I have now.  No longer rushing for the bus to make it to the meeting but arriving late anyway. I can now spend a little extra time in City Centre, finishing some errands or spending some extra time with my fellow YAVs.

So that’s in a nutshell a Monday in my shoes.  Super glamorous right? Tune in tomorrow for Tina Tuesday!

The Worst of the Best

When you do the same thing for too long, no matter how much you enjoy it, it’s easy to find yourself in a rut: in a job, in a relationship, in life.  I feel my wheels starting to spin.  I have far more difficulty overcoming the frustration of a canceled print job spitting out 60 pages two days later, hiding the embarrassment of forgetting a hymn on the screens on a Sunday morning, or seeing the bigger picture of mindless tasks.  I have gotten too comfortable in my place here in Belfast.  I am no longer striving for the same level of excellence I did when I first got here.  Starting off so strong was impossible to sustain forever.  So its time for a change, its time to challenge myself again, less going with the flow and more action on my part.  I have 6 months left to make a difference in the organizations I am involved in, to leave my fingerprint.

 At YAV orientation all the former YAVs talked about wanting to be the best YAV ever going into their YAV year and how that often blew up in their face.  They put too much pressure on themselves.  I did not have that mindset at orientation, I did want to make the most of my YAV year but I was not so foolish as to think I would ever come close to being the best YAV ever.  It wasn’t until I got here that I DID become that foolish and decided I WAS going to be the best YAV ever.  It’s not until now, half way through, I realize being the best YAV is absolutely not what is important.  My fingerprint is not to be the best ever, just the best I can be.  My fingerprint should be like the scouts motto for camping, “Leave the campsite better then when you found it,” mixed with the army motto “Be all you can be.”   I came into the year subconsciously with that mindset.  I became a YAV to do something worthwhile and useful to make a change in the world.  Time to stop spinning my wheels, find some traction, and move. 

The vow to do more the rest of my year and keep going with a strong drive is not the only vow I wish to make in this post.  I have talked to multiple individuals this week about my blog and have been inspired to do a blog series.  I realize I was terrible at blogging in the beginning of the year and as a result what I actually do day to day is not completely clear and most of my blogs are quite vague. To make up for this blog failure next week I plan to blog daily beginning on Sunday describing my typical week, different individuals I work with who have affected me, throwing in some amusing and touching anecdotes I have meant to share.  So tune in again soon for a week in the life of Christina, Crystal, the Yank Tammen’s life.